5 Tips for Balancing Holidays in Blended Families
I always find myself with a little bit (or a lot) of anxiety when it comes to holiday season. While there are plenty of fun activities in the city and we are busy making plans with friends and family, our kids always ask questions like:
“Will I be with you or my Mom for Christmas/Thanksgiving?”
“Can I go with my Mom…?”
“Why can’t I stay with you?”
No matter how much consistency we try to build into our family structure, these questions always loom. These feelings are entirely normal. Even as an adult, I get sad when I know I won’t see all my siblings or nieces and nephews because of their distance, travel schedules or overall family dynamics and arrangements.
These tips can help blended families ease the anxiety of the holiday season.
You will not always get your way. It’s true.
So be prepared to feel all the feels. Knowing you won’t have it your way or even the fair way doesn’t mean you should not push your feelings aside. Allow yourself to express in a healthy way your disappointment, frustration, sadness, etc. If the relationship with your ex is a safe and respectable one, express those concerns to them. If not, find someone to share those frustrations with.
Set Boundaries. Communicate to the other parent what your limits and capacity are. It may not be realistic or feasible to drive 30 min across town to drop off your children. Can you meet them halfway? Remind them of any prior mutual agreements. A part of setting boundaries means they are realistic and ones that you can live with. Boundaries don’t include ultimatums.
Consider the other parent’s angle. What once worked for someone, may not work anymore. Did your ex get married? Are there additional children involved? Is their vehicle out of commission? Consider the changing dynamics of life. It’s not always personal. Things change and circumstances do too. The same concessions you would want for yourself must be extended to others.
Maximize the time you do have. If you won’t see your children on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day, or another holiday you celebrate, focus on the time you will have them. Sharing time and traditions are not dictated solely by the calendar. It is perfectly acceptable to bake Christmas cookies days or weeks before Christmas Day or to cook and eat a traditional Thanksgiving meal the week before or after. Personally, this was my hardest lesson. I was so set on the specific day that I allowed disappointment after disappointment to settle in more often than not. Now, I am perfectly content with picking an alternative date for all seven of us to come together. The laughs and love are all the same! And it gives us a chance to build new traditions within our family unit.
Remember to do what works for you and your family. Don’t force a situation to work because you saw someone else do it a particular way. It’s important to be honest and to communicate.
Happy Holidays y’all!